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-10 Incredible Facts About the Anus.
-24-hour media coverage.
-40 acres and a mule.
-50,000 volts straight to the nipples.
-72 virgins.
-8 oz. of sweet Mexican black-tar heroin.
-A 55-gallon drum of lube.
-Aaron Burr.
-A bag of magic beans.
-A balanced breakfast.
-A ball of earwax, semen, and toenail clippings.
-A big black dick.
-A bigger, blacker dick.
-A bitch slap.
-A black male in his early 20s, last seen wearing a hoodie.
-A bleached asshole.
-A bloody pacifier.
-A boo-boo.
-A Bop It.
-A botched circumcision.
-A brain tumor.
-A bucket of fish heads.
-A bunch of idiots playing a card game instead of interacting like normal humans.
-A Burmese tiger pit.
-A can of whoop-ass.
-A cat video so cute that your eyes roll back and your spine slides out of your anus.
-A cooler full of organs.
-A cop who is also a dog.
-A crappy little hand.
-A crazy little thing called love.
-Active listening.
-Actually getting shot, for real.
-Actual mutants with medical conditions and no superpowers.
-A dance move that's just sex.
-Adderall.
-A defective condom.
-A disappointing birthday party.
-A disappointing salad.
-A dollop of sour cream.
-Advice from a wise, old black man.
-A face full of horse cum.
-A falcon with a cap on it's head.
-A fart.
-A fat bald man from the internet.
-A fetus.
-A Fleshlight.
-A for-real lizard that spits blood from it's eyes.
-A foul mouth.
-Africa.
-African children.
-A gassy antelope.
-A gender identity that can only be conveyed through slam poetry.
-A gentle caress of the inner thigh.
-A giant powdery manbaby.
-A good sniff.
-A greased up Matthew McConaughey.
-Agriculture.
-A homoerotic volleyball montage.
-A hopeless amount of spiders.
-A horse with no legs.
-AIDS.
-AIDS monkeys.
-A kiss on the lips.
-A lamprey swimming up the toilet and latching onto your taint.
-Alcoholism.
-A lifetime of sadness.
-A live studio audience.
-All of my friends dying.
-All of this blood.
-All these decorative pillows.
-All the single ladies.
-All-you-can-eat shrimp for $4.99.
-Almost giving money to a homeless person.
-A low standard of living.
-Altar boys.
-A magic hippie love cloud.
-A manhole.
-A man in yoga pants with a ponytail and feather earrings.
-A man on the brink of orgasm.
-A mating display.
-Ambiguous sarcasm.
-A micropenis.
-A micropig wearing a tiny raincoat and booties.
-A middle-aged man on roller skates.
-A mime having a stroke.
-A monkey smoking a cigar.
-A mopey zoo lion.
-A mouthful of potato salad.
-Amputees.
-A murder most foul.
-Anal beads.
-Anal fissures like you wouldn't believe.
-An all-midget production of Shakespeare's Richard III.
-An army of skeletons.
-An ass disaster.
-An asymmetric boob job.
-A Native American who solves crimes by going into the spirit world.
-Ancient Athenian boy-fucking.
-Andre the Giant's enormous, leathery scrotum.
-An endless stream of diarrhea.
-An erection that lasts longer than four hours.
-An ether-soaked rag.
-An Etsy steampunk strap-on.
-An evil man in evil clothes.
-Angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night.
-An icepick lobotomy.
-An inability to form meaningful relationships.
-An interracial handshake.
-An M16 assault rifle.
-An M. Night Shyamalan plot twist.
-An Oedipus complex.
-Another shot of morphine.
-An oversized lollipop.
-A nuanced critique.
-An ugly face.
-An unforgettable quinceanera.
-An unhinged ferris wheel rolling towards the sea.
-An uninterrupted history of imperialism and exploitation.
-An unstoppable wave of fire ants.
-A one-way ticket to Gary, Indiana.
-A passionate latino lover.
-A pile of squirming bodies.
-A pinata full of scorpions.
-A plunger to the face.
-A powered exoskeleton.
-A PowerPoint presentation.
-A pyramid of severed heads.
-A Quesadilla Explosion Salad from Chili's.
-A really cool hat.
-A reason not to commit suicide.
-A rival dojo.
-Arnold Schwarzenegger.
-A robust mongoloid.
-A sad fat dragon with no friends.
-A sad handjob.
-A salty surprise.
-A sassy black woman.
-A sausage festival.
-A sea of troubles.
-A sex comet from Neptune that plunges the Earth into eternal sexiness.
-A sex goblin with a carnival penis.
-A shiny rock that proves I love you.
-Asians who aren't good at math.
-A slightly shittier parallel universe.
-A smiling black man, a latina businesswoman, a cool Asian, and some whites.
-A snapping turtle biting the tip of your penis.
-A sofa that says "I have style, but I like to be comfortable."
-A soulful rendition of "Ol' Man River."
-A spastic nerd.
-A spontaneous conga line.
-A squadron of moles wearing aviator goggles.
-Assless chaps.
-Ass to mouth.
-A stray pube.
-A subscription to Men's fitness.
-A Super Soaker full of cat pee.
-A surprising amount of hair.
-A sweaty, panting leather daddy.
-A sweet spaceship.
-A team of lawyers.
-A thermonuclear detonation.
-A time travel paradox.
-A tiny horse.
-A tribe of warrior women.
-A Ugandan warlord.
-Auschwitz.
-Authentic Mexican cuisine.
-Autocannibalism.
-A vagina that leads to another dimension.
-A web of lies.
-A whole new kind of porn.
-A windmill full of corpses.
-AXE Body Spray.
-A zero-risk way to make $2,000 from home.
-A zesty breakfast burrito.
-Backwards knees.
-Balls.
-Barack Obama.
-Basic human decency.
-BATMAN!!!
-Battlefield amputations.
-Beefin' over turf.
-Bees?
-Being a busy adult with many important things to do.
-Being a dick to children.
-Being a dinosaur.
-Being a motherfucking sorcerer.
-Being awesome at sex.
-Being fabulous.
-Being fat and stupid.
-Being marginalized.
-Being nine years old.
-Being on fire.
-Being paralyzed from the neck down.
-Being rich.
-Being worshipped as the one true God.
-Bill Clinton, naked on a bearskin rug with a saxophone.
-Bill Nye the Science Guy.
-Bingeing and purging.
-Bio-engineered assault rifles with acid breath.
-Bitches.
-Blackface.
-Black people.
-Blackula.
-Blood farts.
-Blowing some dudes in an alley.
-Blowjobs for everyone.
-Boogers.
-Boring vaginal sex.
-Boris the Soviet Love Hammer.
-Bosnian chicken farmers.
-Bouncing up and down.
-Breaking out into song and dance.
-Brown people.
-Bullshit.
-Butt stuff.
-Buying the right pants to be cool.
-Calculating every mannerism so as to not suggest homosexuality.
-Cards Against Humanity.
-Carnies.
-Catapults.
-Catastrophic urethral trauma.
-Centaurs.
-Chainsaws for hands.
-Changing a person's mind with logic and facts.
-Cheating in the Special Olympics.
-Child abuse.
-Child beauty pageants.
-Child Protective Services.
-Children on leashes.
-Child support payments.
-Christopher Walken.
-Chrystal meth.
-Chugging a lava lamp.
-Chunks of dead hitchhiker.
-Civilian casualties.
-Clams.
-Classist undertones.
-Clenched butt cheeks.
-Coat hanger abortions.
-Cock.
-Committing mid-blowjob.
-Concealing a boner.
-Consensual sex.
-Copping a feel.
-Count Chocula.
-Court-ordered rehab.
-Crazy opium eyes.
-Crippling debt.
-Crucifixion.
-Crumbs all over the god damn carpet.
-Crushing Mr. Peanut's brittle body.
-Crying into the pages of Sylvia Plath.
-Cuddling.
-Cutting off a flamingo's legs with garden shears.
-Cybernetic enhancements.
-Daddy issues.
-Daddy's credit card.
-Daniel Radcliffe's delicious asshole.
-Dark and mysterious forces beyond our control.
-Darth Vador.
-Dead babies.
-Dead parents.
-Death by Steven Seagal.
-Deez nuts.
-Deflowering the princess.
-Demonic possession.
-Dem titties.
-Denzel.
-Depression.
-Destroying the evidence.
-Dick Cheney.
-Dick fingers.
-Dining with cardboard cutouts of the cast of "Friends."
-Disco fever.
-Doing the right stuff to her nipples.
-Doing the right thing.
-Doin' it in the butt.
-Domino's Oreo Dessert Pizza.
-Doo-doo.
-Dorito breath.
-Double penetration.
-Drinking alone.
-Drinking responsibly.
-Drinking ten 5-hour ENERGYs to get fifty continuous hours of energy.
-Dropping a chandelier on your enemies and riding the rope up.
-Dry heaving.
-Dying.
-Dying alone and in pain.
-Dying of dysentery.
-Eating an albino.
-Eating the last known bison.
-Edible underpants.
-Ejaculating live bees and bees are angry.
-Elderly Japanese men.
-Embryonic stem cells.
-Emotions.
-Ennui.
-Enormous Scandinavian women.
-Erectile dysfunction.
-Estrogen.
-Ethnic cleansing.
-Eugenics.
-Exactly what you'd expect.
-Existing.
-Expecting a burp and vomiting on the floor.
-Exploding pigeons.
-Explosions.
-Extremely tight pants.
-Fabricating statistics.
-Falling into the toilet.
-Famine.
-Fancy Feast.
-Farting and walking away.
-Fear itself.
-Feeding Rosie O'Donnell.
-Fetal alcohol syndrome.
-Fiery poops.
-Figgy pudding.
-Figuring out how to have sex with a dolphin.
-Filling every orifice with butterscotch pudding.
-Finally finishing off the Indians.
-Finding Waldo.
-Fingering.
-Finger painting.
-Firing a rifle into the air while balls deep in a squealing hog.
-Fisting.
-Five-Dollar Footlongs.
-Flesh-eating bacteria.
-Flightless birds.
-Flying robots that kill people.
-Flying sex snakes.
-Foreskin.
-Former President George W. Bush.
-Free ice cream, yo.
-Free samples.
-Friction.
-Friendly fire.
-Friends with benefits.
-Frolicking.
-Fucking a corpse back to life.
-Fuck Mountain.
-Full frontal nudity.
-Funky fresh rhymes.
-Gandalf.
-Gandhi.
-Gay aliens.
-Geese.
-Genetically engineered super-soldiers.
-Genghis Khan.
-Genghis Khan's DNA.
-Genuine human connection.
-George Clooney's musk.
-German dungeon porn.
-Getting abducted by Peter Pan.
-Getting caught by the police and going to jail.
-Getting drive-by shot.
-Getting eaten alive by Guy Fieri.
-Getting hilariously gang-banged by the Blue Man Group.
-Getting in her pants, politely.
-Getting married, having a few kids, buying some cool stuff, retiring to Florida, and dying.
-Getting naked and watching Nickelodeon.
-Getting really high.
-Getting so angry that you pop a boner.
-Getting your dick stuck in a Chinese finger trap with another dick.
-Ghosts.
-Giant sperm from outer space.
-Girls that always be texting'.
-Giving 110%.
-Giving birth to the Antichrist.
-Gladiatorial combat.
-Gloryholes.
-Goblins.
-God.
-Gogurt.
-Going around punching people.
-Going to a high school reunion on ketamine.
-Grammar nazis who are also regular Nazis.
-Grandma.
-Grandpa's ashes.
-Graphic violence, adult language, and some sexual content.
-Grave robbing.
-Growing a pair.
-Half-assed foreplay.
-Harry Potter erotica.
-Having anuses for eyes.
-Having a penis.
-Having been dead for a while.
-Having sex on top of a pizza.
-Having shotguns for legs.
-Heartwarming orphans.
-Helplessly giggling at the mention of Hutus and Tutsis.
-Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II.
-Heteronormativity.
-Hillary Clinton's death stare.
-Hip hop jewels.
-Hipsters.
-Historically black colleges.
-Historical revisionism.
-Holding down a child and farting all over him.
-Homeless people.
-Home video of Oprah sobbing into a Lean Cuisine.
-Hope.
-Hormone injections.
-Horrifying laser removal accidents.
-Horse meat.
-Hospice care.
-Hot cheese.
-Hot people.
-Hot Pockets.
-How awesome I am.
-Hurricane Katrina.
-Inappropriate yodeling.
-Incest.
-Indescribable loneliness.
-Injecting speed into one arm and horse tranquilizer into the other.
-Insatiable bloodlust.
-Inserting a mason jar into my anus.
-Interspecies marriage.
-Intimacy problems.
-Invading Poland.
-Italians.
-Jafar.
-Jean-Claude Van Damme in slow motion.
-Jeff Goldblum.
-Jerking off into a pool of children's tears.
-Jewish fraternities.
-Jizz.
-Jobs.
-Joe Biden.
-John Wilkes Booth.
-Judge Judy.
-Jumping out at people.
-Justin Bieber.
-Just the tip.
-Kamikaze pilots.
-Kanye West.
-Keanu Reeves.
-Khakis.
-Kids with ass cancer.
-Lactation.
-Lady Gaga.
-Lance Armstrong's missing testicle.
-Land mines.
-Laying an egg.
-Leprosy.
-Letting everyone down.
-Levelling up.
-Licking things to claim them as your own.
-Literally eating shit.
-Living in a trashcan.
-Lockjaw.
-Loki, the trickster god.
-Lots and lots of abortions.
-Lumberjack fantasies.
-Lunchables.
-Mad hacky-sack skills.
-Magnets.
-Making a friend.
-Making a pouty face.
-Making the penises kiss.
-Man meat.
-Masturbation.
-Maximal insertion.
-Me.
-MechaHitler.
-Medieval Times Dinner & Tournament.
-Men.
-Menstrual rage.
-Me time.
-Michael Jackson.
-Michelle Obama's arms.
-Mild autism.
-Miley Cyrus at 55.
-Moderate to severe joint pain.
-Mom.
-Moms new boyfriend.
-Mooing.
-Moral ambiguity.
-Morgan Freeman's voice.
-Mouth herpes.
-Mr. Clean, right behind you.
-Mufasa's death scene.
-Muhammad (Praise Be Unto Him).
-Multiple stab wounds.
-Mutually-assured destruction.
-My black ass.
-My boyfriend's stupid penis.
-My collection of high-tech sex toys.
-My dad's dumb fucking face.
-My dead son's baseball glove.
-My first kill.
-My first period.
-My genitals.
-My humps.
-My inner demons.
-My machete.
-My manservant, Claude.
-My relationship status.
-My sex dungeon.
-My sex life.
-My soul.
-My vagina.
-My worthless son.
-Natalie Portman.
-Natural male enhancement.
-Natural selection.
-Nazis.
-Necrophilia.
-Neil Diamond's Greatest Hits.
-Neil Patrick Harris.
-New Age music.
-Nickelback.
-Nicolas Cage.
-Nipple blades.
-No clothes on, penis in vagina.
-Not believing in giraffes.
-Not contributing to society in any meaningful way.
-Not giving a shit about the Third World.
-Not having sex.
-Nothing.
-Not reciprocating oral sex.
-Not wearing pants.
-Nubile slave boys.
-Nunchuck moves.
-Object permanence.
-Oil!
-Old-people smell.
-Oncoming traffic.
-One Ring to rule them all.
-One thousand Slim Jims.
-One trillion dollars.
-Oompa-Loompas.
-Opposable thumbs.
-Our first chimpanzee president.
-Out-of-this-world bazongos.
-Overcompensation.
-Overpowering your father.
-Pac-Man uncontrollably guzzling cum.
-Panda sex.
-Party Mexicans.
-Passive-aggressive Post-it notes.
-Pedophiles.
-Peeing a little bit.
-Penis breath.
-Penis envy.
-P.F. Chang himself.
-Pictures of boobs.
-Pixelated bukkake.
-Police brutality.
-Pooping back and forth. Forever.
-Poopy diapers.
-Poor life choices.
-Poorly-timed Holocaust jokes.
-Poor people.
-Power.
-Powerful thighs.
-Prancing.
-Praying the gay away.
-Preteens.
-Pretending to care.
-Pretty Pretty Princess Dress-Up Board Game.
-Prince Ali, fabulous he, Ali Ababwa.
-Puberty.
-Public ridicule.
-Pulling out.
-Pumping out a baby every nine months.
-Puppies!
-Putting an entire peanut butter and jelly sandwich into the VCR.
-Queefing.
-Quiche.
-Quivering jowls.
-Racially-biased SAT questions.
-Racism.
-Raptor attacks.
-Repression.
-Republicans.
-Revenge fucking.
-Reverse cowgirl.
-Riding off into the sunset.
-Ripping into a man's chest and pulling out his still-beating heart.
-Rising from the grave.
-Road head.
-Robert Downey, Jr.
-RoboCop.
-Roland the Farter, flatulist to the king.
-Ronald Reagan.
-Running naked through a mall, pissing and shitting everywhere.
-Running out of semen.
-Rush Limbaugh's soft, shitty body.
-Russian super-tuberculosis.
-Ryan Gosling riding in on a white horse.
-Same-sex ice dancing.
-Samuel L. Jackson.
-Sanding off a man's nose.
-Santa Claus.
-Sarah Palin.
-Savagely beating a mascot.
-Saxophone solos.
-Saying "I love you."
-Science.
-Scientology.
-Screaming like a maniac.
-Scrotal frostbite.
-Scrotum tickling.
-Sean Connery.
-Sean Penn.
-Seeing grandma naked.
-Seeing my village burned and my family slaughtered before my eyes.
-Seeing things from Hitler's perspective.
-Self-flagellation.
-Self-loathing.
-Seppuku.
-September 11th, 2001.
-Serfdom.
-Sexual humiliation.
-Sexual peeing.
-Sexual Tension.
-Sex with Patrick Stewart.
-Sexy pillow fights.
-Shaft.
-Shapeshifters.
-Shaquille O'Neal's acting career.
-Sharks with legs.
-Shiny objects.
-Shutting the fuck up.
-Silence.
-Skeletor.
-Slapping a racist old lady.
-Slowly easing down onto a cucumber.
-Smallpox blankets.
-Smegma.
-Smoking crack, for instance.
-Sneezing, farting and coming at the same time.
-Sniffing glue.
-Snorting coke off a clown's boner
-Social justice warriors with flamethrowers of compassion.
-Some douche with an acoustic guitar.
-Some god-damn peace and quiet.
-Some kind of bird-man.
-Some really fucked-up shit.
-Some shit-hot guitar licks.
-Some sort of Asian.
-Soup that is too hot.
-Special musical guest, Cher.
-Spectacular abs.
-Spending lots of money.
-Sperm whales.
-Spontaneous human combustion.
-Sports.
-Stalin.
-Statistically validated stereotypes.
-Stephen Hawking talking dirty.
-Stockholm Syndrome.
-Stuffing a child's face with Fun Dip until he starts having fun.
-Subduing a grizzly bear and making her your wife.
-Sudden Poop Explosion Disease.
-Sugar madness.
-Suicidal thoughts.
-Sunshine and rainbows.
-Surprise sex!
-Sweet, sweet vengeance.
-Swiftly achieving orgasm.
-Switching to Geico.
-Swooping.
-Synergistic management solutions.
-Syphilitic insanity.
-Take-backsies.
-Taking off your shirt.
-Tasteful sideboob.
-Teaching a robot to love.
-Teenage pregnancy.
-Tentacle porn.
-Testicular torsion.
-That ass.
-The Abercrombie & Fitch lifestyle.
-The American Dream.
-The Amish.
-The art of seduction.
-The basic suffering that pervades all of existence.
-The Big Bang.
-The black half of Barack Obama.
-The black Power Ranger.
-The Blood of Christ.
-The boners of the elderly.
-The Boy Scouts of America.
-The Care Bear Stare.
-The Chinese gymnastics team.
-The chronic.
-The clitoris.
-The complex geopolitical quagmire that is the Middle East.
-The cool, refreshing taste of Pepsi.
-The day the birds attacked.
-The Devil himself.
-The economy.
-The eight gay warlocks who dictate the rules of fashion.
-The entire Internet.
-The entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
-The euphoric rush of strangling a drifter.
-The female orgasm.
-The folly of man.
-The Force.
-The four arms of Vishnu.
-The gays.
-The ghosts of Marlon Brando.
-The glass ceiling.
-The Great Depression.
-The Gulags.
-The Hamburglar.
-The hardworking mexican.
-The Harlem Globetrotters.
-The harsh light of day.
-The heart of a child.
-The hiccups.
-The Holy Bible.
-The homosexual agenda.
-The human body.
-The Hustle.
-The inevitable death of the universe.
-The invisible hand.
-The Jews.
-The KKK.
-The Kool-Aid Man.
-The Land of Chocolate.
-The light of a billion suns.
-The Little Engine That Could.
-The Make-A-Wish Foundation.
-The mere concept of Applebees.
-The milk man.
-The miracle of childbirth.
-The mixing of the races.
-The moist, demanding chasm of his mouth.
-The morbidly obese.
-The new Radiohead album.
-The ooze.
-The passage of time.
-The Patriarchy.
-The peaceful and nonthreatening rise of China.
-The penny whistle solo from "My Heart Will Go On."
-The pirate's life.
-The placenta.
-The Pope.
-The primal, ball-slapping sex your parents are having right now.
-The profoundly handicapped.
-The Rapture.
-The Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
-The rhythms of Africa.
-The safe word.
-The secret formula for ultimate female satisfaction.
-The shambling corpse of Larry King.
-The size of my penis.
-The South.
-The swim team, all at once.
-The systematic destruction of an entire people and their way of life.
-The Tempur-Pedic Swedish Sleep System.
-The terrorists.
-The thin veneer of situational casualty that underlies porn.
-The Three-Fifths compromise.
-The tiger that killed my father.
-The tiniest shred of evidence that God is real.
-The token minority.
-The Trail of Tears.
-The true meaning of Christmas.
-The Ubermensch.
-The unbelievable world of mushrooms.
-The Underground Railroad.
-The violation of our basic human rights.
-The way white people is.
-The white half of Barack Obama.
-The wonders of the Orient.
-The World of Warcraft.
-The wrath of Vladimir Putin.
-Third base.
-This year's mass shooting.
-Three consecutive seconds of happiness.
-Three dicks at the same time.
-Three months in the hole.
-Throwing a virgin into a volcano.
-Tiny nipples.
-Tom Cruise.
-Tongue.
-Toni Morrison's vagina.
-Too much cocaine.
-Tripping balls.
-Two midgets shitting into a bucket.
-Unfathomable stupidity.
-Unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks.
-Unquestioning obedience.
-Unrelenting genital punishment.
-Used panties.
-Vegetarian options.
-Vehicular manslaughter.
-Velcro.
-Viagra.
-Vietnam flashbacks.
-Vigilante justice.
-Vigorous jazz hands.
-Vikings.
-Waiting 'til marriage.
-Waking up half-naked in a Denny's parking lot.
-Walking in on Dad peeing into mom's mouth.
-Weapons-grade plutonium.
-Wearing an octopus for a hat.
-Wearing glasses and sounding smart.
-Western standards of beauty.
-Wet dreams.
-Whatever a McRib is made of.
-What Jesus would do.
-When you fart and a little bit comes out.
-Whining like a little bitch.
-Whipping a disobedient slave.
-Whipping it out.
-Whispering all sexy.
-White-man scalps.
-White people.
-White privilege.
-Wifely duties.
-William Shatner.
-Winking at old people.
-Wiping her butt.
-Women in yogurt commercials.
-Women's suffrage.
-Words, words, words.
-World peace.
-Yeast.
-YOU MUST CONSTRUCT ADDITIONAL PYLONS.
-Your weird brother.
-Zeus's sexual appetites.